Namasté

A New Year...

2008-01-14T22:03:00.000-05:00

Its a new year and with that comes new hopes, and new goals. I have never been a fan of new years resolutions, probably because I am not very good at keeping them. But the other day I heard something interesting that is similar to setting resolutions for the new year, but better at making sure that they really do come true. I was listening to author Donald Miller, speaking at the Imago Dei community, a church in the pacific northwest, and he was telling of how he spends the beginning of each year. He said that he takes some time to get away, taking with him only a few legal pads and his thoughts and thinks about what the next year ahead of him will look like. He told of how he maps out goals, and even some ways that he might achieve those goals so that by the time he leaves the cabin, he has an idea of what he would like to accomplish for the year.

This was an intriguing idea to me and one that I thought that I would try. I couldn't get away for a few days, though I would have liked to, and so I sat with a legal pad at my desk at work and came up with some goals for the year. They are nothing spectacular really, mainly just things that I have been meaning to do for some time and haven't had the motivation to do so, but nonetheless it gives me some perspective on what is important to me and what I would like to accomplish.

It is quite possible that I might forget about this as the year gets underway, as I get busier, and my life gets more cluttered It may matter to me less that I had set these goals at the start of the year but I thought it would be an interesting experiment to try. My hope is that come next December I will be able to look back at these few sheets of paper and reflect on some of the accomplishments made throughout the year. Peace be with you.

Seasons

2007-10-28T19:49:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking about seasons lately. It has taken a while for there to be a distinct change in season from summer to fall this year, and now that it finally has happened it has gotten me thinking a little. A lot has happened since I last wrote, and since I am guessing that those who will actually read this know me already then I will not recount everything here but only to highlight a few things that are relevant to this post. Graduating from college has been more difficult that I thought it would be, specifically when the fall arrived and I was not starting school. I have never not gone back to school in the fall, or rather not since I was three years old. This was a very depressing thought, and for some time I have really been letting it get me down. Don’t get me wrong I am still very happy, especially being married to Katie and spending my life with her, but this year has a very strange feeling about it.

One thing that I realize I miss a great deal is the community that I had at Houghton, and it has made me think a lot about my present situation and how I really have a great deal missing from my life with the absence of friends and family challenging me each day. I have been reflecting a lot on how that is where all of the greatest growth in my life has come about, by connecting with people and entering into a close enough community where great change will inevitably follow. I have been think about that in relation to my current situation where I live in the suburbs a place of essentially fake community where many people live in close proximity to one another but many don’t even speak to neighbors that live right across the street from them. I have thought about how one can also attend church and even be active in that church but again not be part of a community. I think for many community is a scary concept because true community will cost you something, and will change the person that you are, and for many that is a very scary thought.

Anyway getting back to my discussion about seasons, I have been thinking about how fitting seasons are as a metaphor for out lives. Now I bet many of you find this realization to be a bit obvious and rather simplistic but at this point of my life it is a rather comforting thought. I have thought specifically as I mentioned earlier about how different this autumn has seemed from other autumns that I have experienced in my life with the weather taking so long to become cold and the leaves to change and fall. I have thought about how if I look at my life many of the seasons of my life have looked rather similar and have been quite predictable as I find myself returning to school, coming home on breaks, spending summers at my parent’s houses, and yet this season of my life has been so different and has felt so strange and uncomfortable. But as I think about it more, I have begun to appreciate the uniqueness that this season has brought to me the opportunities to grow that it has created, and the hope and excitement for the future as well.

This Autumn has brought unusual and uncomfortable weather and some circumstances to match. But as each day passes and as we begin to see the beautiful changes finally occurring, I am reminded that as strange as something may feel at first, eventually it begins to feel familiar and even a bit predictable. Though I am still a bit uncomfortable with where I am at, I am seeking out some opportunities to become part of a community and I am hopeful that though this fall has been strange, another will be along before I know it, and with it will come a return to school, and some new and at the same time familiar experiences.

thoughts over chinese food...

2007-03-04T19:55:00.000-05:00

Today I returned from my college break to a virtually empty campus and was left with nothing to do really but the inspiration to write a little since it has been a while, so I thought that I would share a conversation that I had over dinner with Pete.

We had been talking about Houghton and the interesting and slightly irritating things that we witness on our predominately evangelical campus and the questions that it has brought to our own minds. The one question that I thought that was worth discussing here is this interesting idea that people talk about seeking guidance from God on a decision that they are trying to make. Now I want to say first and foremost that I do believe that God can and does in certain occasions make his will known to people in this world, but I think to a degree that many Christians just love to attach his name to things, or to give their decision a little bit more credibility will say something to the effect of “I will pray about it,” or “I am just seeking God’s will on this matter.”

Now I know to many that I may just sound like a cynic and to others one with a lack of faith, but I believe that the question begs asking why do we say such things? It seems to me that we do not really mean these things that we say, or if we do we are oblivious to the other influencing factors in our lives. For instance in the conversation with Pete the main topic was the way that students here at Houghton talk about dating and how in many cases when they are growing closer to someone and begin to have feelings for that person they stop and say to themselves I am going to pray about this and see what God’s will is on the matter which almost inevitably leads them to later make the decision that God is in fact leading them to be with this person as though this is some divinely inspired romance. Perhaps you do believe that, perhaps you do believe that God has just one person in mind for you and that God will tell you when you find that person.

I think where my problem lies is not in the idea that God does have a plan that he wishes us to live according to, and not with the idea that God may have an opinion with who I end up with because I am sure that he does, my problem is with people just attaching his name to the romance because the prayed for a few days or a few weeks about it and then assume that because the heavens have not fallen down on them that this is God’s sign that they have the go-ahead. I feel that this attitude has the potential to have rather destructive consequences because if the relationship does not work out then this person is left to question God, or to question that impulse that they felt initially in the beginning of the relationship. I feel that such questioning is an unnecessary stress that we put on ourselves as we search for that divinely written romance.

First of all I must say that I reject that notion that there is one person that God has chosen for you out there because I have seen that work out in too many hurtful ways and based on my own experience this just does not seem to be the case. What I therefore believe is that we write our own destiny and I am sure that many of you believe this too, but what I mean by this is that we go out and we meet people and we like people and so we date different people and inevitably it doesn’t work out some of the time, and then we meet someone that we are really compatible with and we feel those special feelings for them and instead of slamming on the breaks to check with God as to whether this is the romance that he wrote for use at the start of creation, we get to know this person and see how it works. I believe that God does have an opinion on the topic but why are we so convinced that if we pray that he is going to tell us exactly what he thinks about it depriving us of the ability to learn for ourselves the surprise as to how things will go, and that even if this is not the person that you will end up with, that he would deprive you of the ability to learn something from the relationship despite the fact that it may not work out. God wants us to learn for ourselves and not reach for him to hold our hand with every decision in our lives.

Now some people may look at the things I have written here and completely disagree with me and that is totally fine and expected. But I challenge you to think for yourself and to follow that heart that bears the image of God. I challenge you to not pray for God to tell you exactly what to do, but that you would learn to be in his will and act as he would have you act. That whatever relationship you choose that it would be honoring to yourself and God and that even when they do not work out, that you would not feel the need to question God but to simply understand that this is how things are sometime and accept them as a learning experience that will benefit your future relationships and someday your marriage.

My Prayer is that more people would realize that God does love us to be in prayer with him and that he expects that from us but that we would also realize that he gave us two feet that he did in fact expect us to walk on one day and that we would have to make choices of our own, but that he hopes for us to follow the values that he has taught us when making those choices so that we may live life to the fullest and not be so busy stopping and looking to the clouds for those divine affirmations of what we are doing. Blessings to all.

Dr. Gus and Louise Prinsell

2007-02-11T19:52:00.000-05:00

I started writing this a while ago but it has just taken me a while to post it. Earlier this semester, our chapel message was brought by a couple from the Houghton community by the name of Dr. Gus and Louise Prinsell. I have known the Prinsells for a while now and have found them to be some of the sweetest and most endearing people in our little community. They shared their journey through life together and the wisdom that they had come to in that time. They shared with us a simple yet beautiful relationship with God, and expressed their thankfulness for each day that they had been given.

One thing from this chapel stood out to me and I have been reflecting on it for some time now. Before the Prinsells came up to the podium and spoke, our Dean of the Chapel made some introductory remarks so that everyone would know who they are and in these remarks he stated that “you can normally find them in the back of the chapel holding the back wall up.” When he said this everybody laughed and Dr. Brittain explained that this was a reference to the fact that they have faithfully attended every service since they have been a part of the community. But I wonder if there was not something else implicitly meant by that statement. I thought to myself how true it is that they really do hold that wall up, and not only that wall but the chapel itself. Now I am not remarking about the structural integrity of Wesley Chapel because I am quite sure that the walls are not in danger of falling down. But I thought to myself how true this statement was because we owe so much to these two people and many more members of the community who pray so hard for our college, for our staff and students, and who are always there for us like two grandparents with an over abundance of grandchildren that could never claim all of their love. It is people like this who add to the richness and strength of a community like this, and we are indebted to them more than I think we could ever know.

So it is on this note that I implore all of those who will read this to take this into consideration, to be thankful for those who are the silent prayer warriors of our communities, and to encourage you to seek out people like the Prinsells in your own life and community, realizing that these people have so much love and wisdom to offer if we would only stop to listen for a moment or two. Thanks be to the God of grace for the rich treasures that he bestows upon us, and God bless the Prinsells.

Loneliness in the Streets of London

2006-06-25T22:39:00.000-04:00

Summer has to be my least favorite time of the year. I am not a huge fan of hot weather and I get bored pretty easily and quite often, but most of all I hate being away from my sweetheart. I have been home for almost a month now and I find myself almost daily longing for her to be near me, I notice something that reminds me of her and so I wish I was near her, I then get depressed that I am not, and then spend a period of time, sometimes short, sometimes long thinking about how hard this is and about how I don't think that I can take another summer of this. Do you know what I mean? Maybe you don't, but you know what I hope that you do. I found that in these lonely moments away from her have caused me to realize in a stronger way my love for her. It helps me to appreciate in a great way how amazing it is to be with her. I have been thinking lately that there is something to be appreciated in this time away from her, although this is not something that I am always able to see. I have this tendency to just sit and feel sorry for myself instead of noticing all that I have to be grateful for....I think that this is a condition that we all share. My father plays this song a lot that I have really come to love and that I listen to everytime I am feeling really sorry for myself, its called Streets of London and its by the Clancy Brothers and the lyrics go like this:

Have you seen the old man in the closed down market,
Kicking up the papers with his worn out shoes?
In his eyes you see no pride. Hanging loosely by his side,
They're yesterday's papers telling yesterday's news.

Have you seen the old girl who walks the streets of London?
Dirt in her hair and her clothes in rags.
She's no time for talking, she just keeps right on walking,
Carrying her home in two carrier bags.

So how can you tell me you're lonely,
And say that for you the sun don't shine?
Let me take you by the hand & lead you through the streets of
London,
I will show you something to make you change your mind

In the all night cafe at a quarter to eleven,
Same old man sitting there all alone.
Looking at the world over the rim of his tea cup,
Each tea lasts a hour, then he wanders home alone.

Have you seen the old man outside the seamen's mission?
Memory fading like the ribbons he wears.
In this lonesome city the rain cries a little pity,
For one more forgotten hero in a world that doesn't care.

I really feel that that song sums it all up, and I probably could have just posted the lyrics and left it at that. They are words that we all need to hear, to be reminded that we are blessed and that we have a lot to be thankful for. My prayer for you as well as myself is that we would always remember that.

If the best things in life are free, why do we keep trying to buy them?

2006-06-07T21:22:00.000-04:00

I read an article today, yesturday and several days before that about simple living in America and it has captivated me so I decided to share it with you. It was not a long article at all, but in just one short page, it captivated my attention in an idea that seems to be so contrary to the culture that we live in today, the idea that we don't need to shop all the time, that we dont need to spend money to feel great, but that we can have a feeling of joy in being content with having all of our needs met and not finding self worth in material things. I found it so intriguing that the writer of this article, an actress in Los Angeles, could live this simplistically while walking the red carpet for everyone to see. She takes a radical step towards fighting materialism that I have never heard taken, but that I must respect. She tells how she doesn't buy anything new but only things that have been used by somebody at some time, that she will pay more money to fix something that is broken, then to pay for something new. This struck me at first as somewhat silly but the more I thought about it, I thought how addicting buying new things can be. When you buy a pair of new pants, you automatically think that it is necessary to buy a new shirt to go with it, and suddenly you are sucked into this web of materialism before you even know it. I thought more about how there are some many times that I desire to buy something new and that I justify to myself how much I need what I am about to purchase instead of thinking about what I already have and how much I already have.

This reminded me of a Donald Miller book that I read a while ago called Through Painted Deserts. In the book Miller has taken a road trip and at this point in the book has stopped at the Grand Canyon. He has just hiked the Grand Canyon and attended a "Sunrise over the Canyon" Easter service and is reflecting on this simple life:

"Imagining the service reminds me again that life is more than clothes and cars and a new flavor of toothpaste, that it is community and creation and beauty and humanity. There is a certain serenity in life, after all, and once a withdrawl is felt at having left the lies behind, a soul begins to fell at home in its own skin."

Miller goes on to talk about the withdrawl that you feel when you have not bought something new in a long time. He talks about how he walked into a gift shop and almost bought at license-plate key chain with his name on it and how he talked himself out of it because he didn't have any keys to put it on, and because he was only really buying it because he wanted something new as a way of feeling different about himself. I remember when I read this that it struck a deep chord with me like the article about simple living in Hollywood.

Our culture thrives on materialism. We are told by advertisments constantly that we need to buy new things, and that if we dont buy new things that we are missing out on the great life that we could be living. We are told that the car we have isn't good enough and needs to be replace, that the clothes we wear are old and we need new ones, and that by purchasing all of these things all our dreams will come true. It causes us to think that even the thought of an asthetic life focused on something other than materialism sounds crazy. Its so sad to me that we have given up a life that could be so much more free and wonderful, for a wardrobe that we have been told we could not live without.

I know that the phrase that I used in the title of this post is quite cliche, but i feel that it really is true. That the things that should be treasured the most in this life, have been traded in for items on a shelf that can be bought, and then replaced after a short period of time for something else that will make your life complete. In the musical Rent, one of the songs is called "what you own" and one of the lyrics goes "when your living in America, you're what you own." I dont want to believe this lie anymore. I hope you won't either.

Pipe smoke and nonviolence

2006-04-25T21:42:00.000-04:00

I went to a bachelor party recently for a good friend of mine in which I got to share good food, good conversations, and very good cigars as well. I watched as so many people that I respect partook of nice fine, cigars and fine pipe tobacco that was exquisite if I do say so myself, I discussed the saving power of Christ and the thankfulness that I posses in all that he has done for me personally. We discussed God working in our lives over pipes, and I have to say, every discussion is better over pipes. I was intrigued to find that at least 3 of the older men attending this party were Pastors. I talked with some and heard them tell me of how cigar smoking and complimented with fine wine is something that brings great joy to their souls. I would have to agree, at least about the cigar and pipe tobacco part.

It was on the way home when I was able to have an interesting discussion with my friends Brent and Jeremy about an array of topics but partially on pacifism. I have for some time now thought a lot about pacifism and nonviolence, especially in light of the war in Iraq and also other places. I had heard a couple of interesting quotes lately from a song by Derek Webb called "My enemies are men like me." The lyrics go like this:

I have come to give you life
and to show you how to live it
I have come to make things right
to heal their ears and show you how to forgive them

because I would rather die
I would rather die
I would rather die
than to take your life

(chorus)
how can I kill the ones IÂm supposed to love
my enemies are men like me
Ii will protest the sword if itÂs not wielded well
my enemies are men like me

peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication
itÂs like telling someone murder is wrong
and then showing them by way of execution

when justice is bought and sold just like weapons of war
the ones who always pay are the poorest of the poor

This song has really spoken to me lately about the necessity in the call of Christ to non-violence.

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In typical Chrislike fashiIn i have taken about a month to finish this post, and also start another so to warn you this post has been written in two parts, with a month of time passing between them.

I am challenged by the words of the song mentioned above and also by this message of non-violence that seems to be increasingly necessary. There are very few cases in which I feel war is justified and even in those I still have several doubts. I have becriticizedzed by some for not supporting the war, but more for not "supporting our troops," which seems to be the motto of our country as of late. I see these bumper stickers everywhere and I wonder why these people are supporting these efforts to kill more and more people? Why the American people would want to support a war founded on lies? I don't support them. I can't. Many evangelicals it seems have found a way to use their faith as a basis for their support of this war, I find this to be ridiculous. I find it incredible, that the same people who would damn the Catholics for their fault in actions carried our during the crusades are the same people who would turn around and use the Bible to support the killing of people in Iraq. I can't tell the difference between these two, though I am told that it is great by some, to me it is an example of Christians feeling justified in the killing of Muslims all over again.

I know that I just went on a rant there, and you may not agree with much of it at all. My point and closing statement to this is only that I feel as Christians that we need to skeptical of any action that involves the killing of any people in this world. That we need to respect all life as we claim to do when many protest things like abortion, but neglect life after it is born, or when it is in a foreign country and our government claims that they are oenemiesies. We need, as Christians, to follow the message of peace that Jesus taught, that we must set the example for the world in love. All I ask is that before you support this war, or any other that you take the time to think about why you do support it. We need to respect all life whether it be friend or foe, because as Derek Webb put it "My enemies are men like me."

the presence of God....finding the extraordinary in the ordinary

2006-03-25T19:27:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I last wrote to you, but let's continue as if little or no time has passed...

Since I last wrote I have written papers, taken tests, went to Israel, and fell more in love with Katie and of course with Jesus. That about sums it up. I have thought for a while if I should write about my trip to Israel, but I don't think that I will write much since there is really too much to say. You should go sometime if you have a chance. What I can tell you is that while it was amazing to sit in the land of the Bible, and that it was very spiritually strengthening, it was not what I thought that it would be. I think that part of me expected to be moved to tears everywhere I went, overwhelmed by what I saw, and to come back a different person in at least some ways. But it wasn't really that at all. I was overwhelmed at times, but not all the time, I came back very much the same person that I left as, and I didn't cry very much at all, save a couple of times. What I can say was that my faith was enriched but not how I thought that it would be. God was there, but in the same way that he was at home. I have found since I have been home, how amazing it is to feel that God's presence though it is in the holy places of Israel, and in the beautiful majestic churches of Jerusalem, that God is very much in Wesley Chapel, that he is very much in my own bedroom, and that he has followed me everywhere. Though I was fascinated by what I saw, I was taught a deeper lesson in the presence of God.

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I am writing this in two parts exactly one month apart, one part was written on March 25 and the other on April 25, thus explains the line, and I'm sorry for the delay. The reason I come back to this entry, is that I feel that this idea of God being everywhere and not just in the Holy Land needs to be expounded on a little further. I was talking to my friend Chris about this the other day and felt that the conversation merited being mentioned since it is pertinent. Our Chapel is under construction so we have been having Chapel at some interesting places, and we recently had Chapel on the Quad. It was interesting to me to be singing hymns and hearing a sermon preached in the open air with the sun shining on us, and it made me think again about the presence of God as it refers also to all of creation. I remembered something that I heard once about the monastic group in Ireland, and their motto was that they would "Find the Extraordinary in the Ordinary." Isn't that what we are called to do in our worship? To find the extraordinary in ordinary? The reason I bring this up, is that as I sang those hymns, I could not help but think of all creation worshiping along side of us, that God is very much a part of every part of his creation. I think this is how I made sense of the feeling that God was just as strong here as any place else. That no matter where I go I am in God's creation, which means that I am always within God. This thought Comforted me. I hope that it comforts you too. I hope that we can live each day admiring the wondrous creation all around us that seems so ordinary, and see the extraordinary behind it. And it is in those moments that we can say to ourselves and to God, that we are always within him, and that he is never far away.

I'm Superman I have the T-shirt to prove it

2006-01-31T20:43:00.000-05:00

I am not a morning person, not at all, or at least normally. This morning I felt like I was a to a small extent. It was not that I sprang out of bed and felt overjoyed at the thought of not being able to sleep any longer, I admire any person that can do that, if such a person in fact exists. But this morning felt different. I got up and heard that somebody in my house had beat me to the shower so I slowly got out of bed took my time waking up and then got in the shower when it was free. When I was finished I got dressed and had a feeling that I was Superman because I wore my Superman T-shirt underneath my sweater, so that if trouble broke out I would be ready. That T-shirt was a gift from my fiancé on our one year aniversery. She thinks I'm Superman, which is all the evidence that I need to believe it too. After I was dressed I said some prayers, had some juice and made my way up to campus, with the sounds of Braveheart ringing in my ears thanks to my mp3 player. I Looked around at the grey overcast sky, felt the cool bite to the air on my nose and imagined I was in Scotland with William Wallace ready on the battle field. This thought made me smile. I continued up to class with a quick stop off at the print center to print my homework. I opened the doors of the Academic Building to see my beauty smiling and waiting for me, and with Braveheart still ringing in my ears I kissed her. I felt as if I had just one the battle saved the princess and was enjoying a nice victory kiss after fighting a battle for Scotlands freedom. I felt like the luckiest man in the world. I am the luckiest man in the world, have you seen the woman that I am marrying? After having a wonderful good morning with my sweetheart I went on to class.

Unfortunately my day did not continue too well after that thanks to a splitting headache that I recieved compliments of the wonderful ever confused weather that we have been recieveing here, but I did not allow it to dampen my spirits. I continued on feeling like William Wallace in all but the length of my hair (which I can always change). I felt that I had personally accomplished something in that I did not let my feeling of being sick change my mood and outlook on the day but instead pressed on saying a few prayers along the way. It felt good and I just wanted to share that with you. After all Superman wouldn't let it get him down.

breath by breath

2006-01-30T18:35:00.000-05:00

I have been trying a lot lately to appreciate the small things in life that normally slip by without ever being thought of because we are to busy in our everyday lives to notice. For example lately here in Houghton we have been receiving some very abnormal "fall-like" winter weather, and though this is depressing for some, I have been trying each day to breathe in same fresh air and say to myself its good to be alive, and good to take life breath by breath. I have noticed lately the fast pace that everyone around me moves at, and felt the temptation myself to join them and there are many days that I do. But on a day like today when the sun is shining down on me, the sky pierces through the clouds for a time, I just like to slow down, and appreciate the beauty around me.

I have noticed that there is a big push at college and probably at every step of life to always look to the future, and to wonder what we will do next. "What are you doing after college?" "What Grad schools are you looking at?" or even "What are you doing this weekend?" We are always living in the next day or week or month. Living from weekend to weekend, vacation to vacation, and not taking the time to realize the precious moments to be had each day. If you think about it, if we keep living in the future we will continually miss the moments that we have looked foreword to, and we will miss most of our own lives. If our lives are measured by the weekends that we have, the vacations that we take, or the major decisions that we make, the most of our life will seem to be just filler. What a disappointing thought this is.

I encourage you, as I would hope that you would encourage me, to take life one day at a time, realizing that there is something special to be had and learned in each day, for as a wise man once said "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I realize that this is nothing profound to you, or new, but when you really think about how much time is spent thinking about the future and not realizing how special the time that we have been given really is, its sad that we cant find happiness where we are. Please for your own sake, don't let a day go by without realizing how special it truly is.

most recent chapters

2006-01-22T19:07:00.000-05:00

Its been a while since I last wrote anything, part of the reason being because I don't even know where to begin. So much has happened since last semester many good things, and some more difficult. Unfortunately because I have not the time, nor the patience to recall in complete detail all the events that have taken me from the place I was the last time I wrote to you but that's what conversation is for, and if in the next time we meet you have questions for me I am always honored, but in the meantime I am going to reflect on the most recent chapters of my life.

I think the best and only place that I could begin is with the happiest and most life changing moments that have occurred since I last wrote to you. Katie and I are now engaged. I sometimes wonder if I have even really comprehended this thought yet, that I have her for the rest of my life. There is so much that I could say about this, about my feelings, my excitement, but I don't feel that words could ever do it justice. I Love to write to you and to myself about my feelings and describe the experiences that I have had, and ever since proposing I have wanted to write pages and pages in my journal and also here preserving the memory, but everytime I have tried to begin, I stop at a loss for words. I know a crazy thought, me at a loss for words IM as shocked as you are. I think the best way to describe this experience is that I have had all my dreams come true in that moment. I have dreamed about her all my life, and she is so much better than my dreams ever were. I pray that you will all have the happiness that I have found, and for those who have attained it, that you would not let a day go by without taking a few moments to sit and think about the honor it is to have such a Love as this, that could make dreams come true, I pray that you would savor those moments, because I can guarantee that life offers nothing else that can compare to that.

Having said all of that, I would like to reflect a little on a personal struggle that I am feeling as of late. Since my Christmas break and in returning to school I felt a strange feeling that I cannot begin to understand, but can only describe it as a feeling of the absence of God. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, and must admit that it seems weird to me too but its the only explanation that I can come to. I have struggled over this quite a lot, and though I know all the common phrases quoted in situations like this telling me that God will never leave me nor forsake me, but it is entirely different thing to know that and to feel it to be true. I cried out at many times searching to find him but sensing nothing. I had a discussion with a good friend Friday night and I found that though I feel that God is not present, that in some way I am cut off from him, my desire for him is growing and becoming larger than ever before. It is here that I feel some purpose to the struggle that I am feeling. That I have always wondered whether I really need God and my suspicions have been answered. I do.

Its been a very interesting journey in these past few weeks and I am happy to have invited you in to it. The trouble is that it is not over when I would like it to be over. Now that I have realized that I have this need for God, I still have not been able to over come the struggle that I am in. I feel such a strong desire to pick up my Bible and pray, but when I go to do it, the barrier is there and God's presence is missing. I am not blaming God for this, because I know its not him, but I have to say that whenever this barrier is lifted it will be as if I am returning to see a friend that I have missed for so long, and we will have a lot of catching up to do.

Narnia and Penguins

2005-12-10T23:26:00.000-05:00

"Though the witch knew the deep magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know. Her knowledge goes back only to the dawn of time. But if she could have looked a little further back, into the stillness and darkness before Time dawned, she would have read there a different incantation. She would have known that when a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in the traitor's stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backward."

I went to see "the lion the witch and the wardrobe" on Friday with my princess, and what an amazing experience it was. We have long been awaiting the release of this movie and we can most defiantly say that we were not disappointed at all. Even days later I am still so amazed and cannot get some of these wonderful images from my mind of the great and powerful Aslan and the profound sense of wonder that he brings. The quote above is from the scene right after Aslan appears alive again to Susan and Lucy. To feel the wonderful joy that it brings to all of our hearts to see Aslan alive, and to think of what he represents brought tears to my eyes and made me just want to reach out to Jesus. It is so beautiful how we can love such a powerful creature in this story, and realize that he is symbolizing a God that is infinitely more powerful and that loves us even more. I have to admit that there is a certain special feeling when I picture God as this powerful lion. To see him growl and show his teeth when he is questioned, to see him strike so much fear in the eyes of his enemies just by his roar, and finally to see him tackle the white witch at the end and look back to Peter and speak such a powerful phrase "It is finished." To hear the words of Christ spoken by Aslan, warmed my heart and made my spirit cry out to Jesus in Thanksgiving for what he has done.

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Today I went with Katie to see "March of the Penguins," and I have to admit I was impressed. I had never known much about penguins before as I am sure is the case with many people, but I was intrigued to find out how much work they go through to have children and also the intelligence that they possess in order to complete this ordeal. I watched as we saw every penguin in the entire continent of Antarctica follow the same course to the breeding ground, walking a distance of over 70 miles without sleep or food. Once they reach this breeding ground they will endure the most brutal weather and cold that this planet can offer, as well as a hunger that will cause them to loose half their body mass.

I was so interested especially in the communication that penguins are capable of, when the mother has been gone for a period of time gathering food for the baby, the baby calls to its parents, and though to human beings all the calls sound alike, the penguin can tell the difference and find its young. It was so beautiful to see the growth of such fascinating creatures, and how their whole life is a testament to the amazing God of the universe. I am so overwhelmed by the beauty that he has put in this world for us to admire, in the little things, to humble us so that we can see his grand power in all of his creation and not just in ourselves. To find the Extraordinary in the ordinary.

John Lawton

2005-12-07T00:06:00.000-05:00

I have been meaning to post this blog for some time now, and since today I was thinking about him today, I will publish it now. This is about my friend John.

John Lawton is man that I have visited almost every Tuesday this semester. Sometimes he remembers who I am, and sometimes he doesn't, and there are sometimes where he begins like he doesn't know who I am and then later comes to the realization that he does know who I am and then asks me how I have been doing, and if i am staying out of trouble. I'll go and sit with him in his room with him, while he will tell me jokes, or stories about his life, or even just answer questions that he has about me. Sometimes if he feels up to it I'll help him into his wheelchair and we will set off for whatever activity that we have planned for the day, everything from Bingo to a Hymnsing. If you have not already gathered this, my friend John lives at "the Waters" which is a local nursing home here at Houghton, and he is 98 years old.

Spending time with John has taught me alot about what it means to serve somebody this year. I went into this nursing home visitation ministry with the idea that i wanted to be able to touch people, to reach out and love somebody in whatever way I could, but I never realized that I would walk away with so much. It was a really big step outside my comfort zone to even go to a ministry like this. I had never been to a nursing home before, no less had any idea what I would do once I was there, but i prayed about it and took a leap of faith hoping that I could be useful in some way. I was a little nervous on my way there, and then when I walked into the room that we were going to play Bingo in, I met John. John is quite a joker and so he was making everybody laugh and trying to cheat in the game and telling me a I better watch him close so he doesn't, and just a nice person to be around because he brightens up the room. As time went on I would go back to visit him, and as I said before sometimes he would remember me and sometimes not, and I would hear stories of his childhood, his family, and all about his life. He would encourage me in my goals to be a pastor someday, and remind me never to become fake, but always to be real with people, and to practice what I preach. I would watch sometimes as we would sing hymns in the activity room with the other residents, John's favorite is "The Old Rugged Cross," as he would sing completly out of tune and time with every one else, and tears would come to his eyes and I thought I pray that I can be moved like that when I am his age.

I have learned alot by being friends with John, and I hope to continue learning from him. I have been pushed out of my comfort zone by helping an old man and showing him I care, even in the simplest ways by listening to his stories and asking him questions about his life, by helping him put on his shoes and get out of bed, to getting him is glasses or even his teeth when he needs them. It has helped me realize that without taking the time to serve others and truly put our faith to work, what are we Christians for? For as James tells us "Faith without works is dead."

From the Desert Fathers to the Eucharist

2005-12-04T01:52:00.000-05:00

What a week it has been. All week I have been writing a paper on the Desert Fathers all week. Studying monasticism, and the devoted lives of our fathers is inspiring and powerful, to think of the devotion that these men felt for God, and how it seems that ministry has left so much behind in our goal as protestants to be less Catholic. After researching these men all semester, I have felt called to a faith so much deeper. A faith where Jesus is really at the heart of who we are and every action that we commit. Where is this faith today? Where is the emphasis on prayer that these men held? Prayer is what needs to be at the heart of all ministry and yet most pastors barely find time for it in their daily lives. There always seems to be another meeting, or another phone call, to the point where prayer is something that is fit in someplace that is not already burdened with another task. The Desert Fathers saw no higher calling than to be in constant prayer and in constant contact to the God we worship. What in life can be seen as a higher calling than this? I feel the challenge that these fathers have set forth, and I desire to live a life like this myself, where prayer is my heart, with the love of God and his strength as mine, and I pray the same for you. The Lord be with you.

After finishing my paper at 2:30 am the night before, I proudly approached Dr. Tysons podium in class the next morning, and with Halleluiah choruses echoing in my ears, that I would later hear in the evening sung by our very talented Houghton College Choir, I turned the paper in and breathed a sigh of relief.

Later in that day I felt the honor and pleasure of going forth to the altar and reciving the Eucharist. What a beautiful, and comforting feeling it was, and always is, to walk down the asile, to approach the altar, and to eat and drink Christs blessing upon me. I walk away from that altar comforted, healed, rested. Jesus reminds me that he was with me all along, through the trials of writing my paper, through the moments of exhaustion and stress, and that he comforts me now. I open my mouth with praises to sing and tears in my eyes, reflecting on the miricle that is his incarnation, that he was so willing to become one of us, to leave all that he had in heaven, and to become poor because he saw us all trapped in our sin and said "I Love them too much to let this continue." My prayer this advent for myself and all others, is that we would take time to reflect on the day in which God became a man and what a miracle this truly was.

Thoughts, Thanksgiving and Black Friday

2005-11-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

I have been home for about two days now, and I have to say that it has been the most restful, and most needed break I feel that I have had since I have been at school. It has been quite relaxing to just read for pleasure, watch movies, sleep late, all the pleasures of life that I haven't really participated in much these past few weeks, but it seems that you exchange one kind of stress for another. No matter how nice it is to be home, I always miss you my darling.

Thanksgiving went really well, I got to see some family that I had not not seen in some time, and got to play with my little cousin will who is almost 14 months old and one of the cutest kids you will ever see. We played all sorts of games with him just to see his cute grin, smile, and laugh. We had a wonderful meal large enough to feed and army and very delicious (its good to have home cooked food again), and then after everybody has left I have just been watching movies with my sister, letting the drowsiness wash over me. It's been wonderful and I have much to be thankful for.

It is such a wonderful occasion to come together with the ones you love and reflect upon all of the blessings that we have received in our lives and yet I was wondering today why we only seem to do this once a year. Wouldn't it be much more amazing if we took the time daily or weekly to sit back and think about how gracious God is and how well he has provided for us. I am very fed up with how the emphasis in the world today seems to be on rushing through life like there is no worth to be found in the down moments inbetween one task and another. I think more of us need to see that life is a blessing in each one of its forms, and that it is in the moments that we reflect on moments past, and give thanks with grateful hearts for all that has happened ,and all that has been achieved. To take the time instead of passing through day by day looking to the future vacations as better days, but to not look at the beauty that each day may reveal. To truly live in a state of thanksgiving at each moment of our lives.

I read an article in the Houghton Star written about Veterans day and how it is a holiday that passes by seemingly without any notice of the people of this country, and the proposed reason for this was that there was no way to market merchandise for this holiday and thus no real reason to celebrate it right? Sadly this seems to be the case in this country. That the holidays in which capitalism can truly reign supreme are the holidays that are most important, and the rest fall by the wayside. Why is this? Is buying and selling really more important that reflection on family, or even the birth of our Lord Jesus, because buying gifts is much more important than all of that right? So this got me thinking about Thanksgiving and how sometimes it seems that it is just a stepping stone to the "Christmas season" which really means that time when everybody frantically buys gifts instead of really thinking about the true meaning of the holidays.

I sometimes wonder which is the real holiday for a lot of people, thanksgiving, or black Friday. That shopping has become what comes to mind at this time of year. I think that this title "Black" suits the day well, not because its the worst shopping day of the year, but that it stands for the mindset of most Americans, that holidays are only as good as the presents that come along with it. For example, I watched on the news tonight about how some people rushed back from seeing their family so that they can sit all night in front of wal-mart in 18 degree weather to go shopping tomorrow. It breaks my heart to see how family values and quality time have been replaced by shopping.

So maybe we can change this in our own hearts. To step back from the hustle and bustle of everyday life and be thankful for what we have, and not so focused on what we do not have, or what we must have in light of the holiday season. Maybe this holiday season we take the time to reflect on what it is that we are celebrating, and not be so hung up on the consumer goods associated with it. Maybe we can as the cliche says put Christ back into Christmas.

Happy Holidays everybody I pray that you will take time to appreciate all that God has blessed you with and press into his heart with thanksgiving and praises for how wonderful he has been to us all. God Bless.

To Home and back again...

2005-11-15T23:14:00.000-05:00

I recently had to go home for the funeral of a wonderful man of God, and my former youth pastor Gary Storms. Gary had a great impact on who I am today, in that I am a Christian today partially because of his influence, and so it was really hard to think about him no longer being in this world. All the way home I was thinking of all of the memories I had with him, retreats, conversations, just seeing his huge smile when I walked into a church on sunday morning. But interestingly enough, I kept coming back to this one thought that seemed so small, but I feel encompased all that is Gary: His Bible.

Gary's Bible, Never have I ever seen a book describe a person so well. He never left home without it, but to be honest I dont think he felt home anywhere else except for within it. It was the oldest, most worn and torn book that you would ever see, but Gary said that it had character, so did he. It creaked and cracked alot as you opened it, appearing as if this was some ancient piece of history, maybe the first bible ever made. It was falling apart (also like Gary) and would loose pages each time he opened it, there was practically nothing you could do to keep the Gospels inside of the binding, and its funny because there was nothing you could do to keep the Gospel inside of Gary either. Just as this Bible showed its years right there on the cover, with the folds and tears, the stains on the sides of the pages, and the binding broken several times, it still had a heart inside with a message more beautiful than the world had ever seen, and so did Gary. Gary had a connection to scripture that I have seen in no other person in my life and I will always remember and admire his very real and powerful connection to this precious word of God.

I returned back to school the monday following the funeral, to the mountain of work, tests, papers, and stress that I knew was waiting for me. It has been to some degree an emotional couple of weeks trying to let go and move on, but I have not been without help. I have had God to guide me and teach me, the God that Gary helped bring me to and I am now continuing that journey. God has also worked through the most important person in my life, my wonderful princess. She has been so helpful and loving, so supportive and strong for me and I could never in words thank her enough. I Love you Katie, now and always.

I will always remember the final lesson I learned from this beloved teacher. I learned it in his death, in reflecting on his life. We reflected on how he lived every day to the fullest, on how he would not let a day slip by without realizing that each was a blessing from God and was not to be wasted. I have been contemplating this ever since the funeral, about living every day to its fullest, trying to capture the magic that is within this seemingly simple minutes in between one busy moment to the next. To try as the celtic monastics would say to find the extraordinary in the ordinary. I Thank God for the ability to know and Love this man, to be mentored by him and taught by him, and I thank God that I will see him again, but for now, as Gary would say, "Its a good day to be alive."

Intimacy

2005-11-03T01:10:00.000-05:00

I had such an amazing night tonight just sitting in my kitchen with the most beautiful woman that this world has ever seen. Have you ever been at a moment in your life, where you felt complete and utter contentment? That in this moment your life could just pause and you could be completly happy for all eternity? I am finding more and more that I am in need of such moments on a day to day basis. Not that I struggle with happiness, or that I want to become so content that I do nothing with my life, but that I take the time to appreciate the wonderful blessings that God has so graciously put into my life. He didn't have to but he has. Tonight this point was illustrated by a conversation with a very special woman, my beautiful princess Kathryn. She and I sat in my kitchen and talked the night away till it was time for bed. We talked about anything and everything under the sun, our childhoods, our excitment for the future, our love for each other, and just about everything else that we could get our minds on. And all I can say is that I walked away with a true feeling of intimacy with my best friend in the world.
Intimacy. Its such an interesting word, in that it is so exciting and comforting to some, and as frightening as death to others. I have never really understood this concept I don't think until more recently in my life, and I do not pretend to be an expert, but I am now begining to find what is so wonderful and scary about this at the same time. I looked this word intimacy up in the dictionary and I found something intriguing. The definitions given were this

Marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity.
Relating to or indicative of one's deepest nature
Of or involved in a sexual relationship.

I think that here we have illustrated the three levels of intimacy and also in there level of importance as well. The first seems to refer more to a relational intimacy, a much needed and slowly developed process in which two people are brought into each others thoughts, feelings, dreams, desires, and overall into their hearts. This I have found to be one of the most important levels of intimacy if not the most important level. Having said that we move on to number two.
This seems almost to sound like a spiritual level in which your deepest nature is made known to somebody else. Where your soul is baired to another person and you are left completly vulnerable. This I believe is where most of the fear comes in for people, that they are not quite sure who they are themselves and thus are afraid to reveal who they are to somebody else in fear that the person could reject them. How incredibly detrimental to a human heart and soul to be rejected. Now here we are faced with the hardest and most beautiful part of intimacy, the Risk. The risk that we face is that we can be rejected, shot down, broken hearted. That we may feel some of the worst pain of our lives, so why do we do it then? Because of the chance of gaining something so special, so divine, that we cannot even put it into words but as two lovers can atest we just have that "warm and fuzzy feeling." I have felt the fuzzies before, as i hope you have, are, or will feel, and they are worth the wait and the risk to get there. There is nothing in this world that I would rather have than the love of my life looking into my eyes, and into my soul, and knowing full well everything there is to know about me, and telling me those three words that make a man feel that he can conquer the world "I Love You."
I sit here now and think about this feeling and this risk and I am reminded that long ago the God of the universe baired himself in this way, making himself vulnerable to his creation in human beings, giving them the ability to choose or not choose him. God took a risk in us. He took a risk in creating the tree of knowledge of good and evil so that we could choose to obey or disobey him. We chose to disobey, and God has been struggling ever since to get that intimacy back so much so that he would sacrifice his own sons life to get it. He loves us and he desires intimacy with us and he will risk it all to have us close to him. I Love you Lord.
And now we reach number three. The physical intimacy. SEX. Desired by all and profained by so many. Physical intimacy in its intended setting is beautiful and wonderful. We have all heard this said before, but we would much rather hear the anthem of the world that says "go for it do whatever feels right to you." This is so contrary to the purpose of this beautiful act and what you get is not intimacy at all, but and act devoid of its purpose. I have talked to many "Christians" and Christians who want to dive into this forbidden fruit before the proper time, and I'm guilty of this myself, but if you do that, you are forgetting something, Intimacy. The first two forms of intimacy mentioned, emotional and spiritual, take so much more time and effort to develop, that when you finally reach this physical intimacy, you know this person in heart and spirit and you celebrate by getting to know them in body. Those who take what is not yet theirs, are not going to live forever with a bad sex life, they will probably go on to enjoy it very much. But there will always be the question, of how good could it have been if we let our other areas of intimacy mature before we entered into this most beautiful act of love. It would be as if God was to say "I cannot wait any longer" and forced a person to love him, without that person coming to a love in God himself. That relationship that intimacy with God, would not be as beautiful as it could have been and God would not be satisfied.
So what is my point? My point is not to say that I am perfect in that i have mastered this, i havent. I struggle all the time with loving a woman more amazing and beautiful than any i have ever known and not being able to have something i want so badly. My point is to say that in having conversations with her I have found that when we reach that place, it will be because we have grown together in such powerful ways, that we trully know each other inside and out, that we will be at the point to complete ourselves and become one in this beautiful act. That is my point to have true intimacy emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I want to capture the true meaning of this word intimacy in my life with my pricess and with God himself. I pray that you will desire this as well.

I Just want Jesus

2005-10-29T00:17:00.000-04:00

"For so much of my life I had been defending Christianity because I thought to admit that we had done any wrong was to discredit the religious system as a whole, but it isn't a religious system, it is people following Christ; and the important thing to do, the right thing to do, was to apologize for getting in the way of Jesus."
~Donald Miller

Have you ever thought that Christians can at times be the worst representation of Christ in this world? That of all the witnesses in this world Christ got shafted a bit? I sometimes think that, mostly when I look in the mirror. I wonder about the body of Christ, constantly curious about if we are trully doing his will. I feel that sometimes our churches, our structures and our mindsets are the greatest obstacle that Jesus has to overcome. I am afraid to tell people sometimes that I am a Christian, not because I am afraid to share my faith, but because I am afraid that by telling somebody that, the conversation will be over at that point, because of all the sterotypes that come along with saying things like "Born-again" and I would rather not be connected with that.

I know of people including myself, that wish that they could have all of Jesus without all the other stuff that seems to come with him. I Just want to be able to press into him and leave all of this mess behind. I am not talking so much about leaving tradition, and the church behind, but the attitudes that have become the norm with Christians today. The Judgemental, uncompassionate, unloving attitudes that are hurting people and not helping them at all. How often a person who is a "non-believer" is told that they are going to hell, instead of being loved and appreciated and shown that it doesnt matter who you are, I am going to love you anyway. We could do a great deal to change the way the church appears to the world if we would just re-think our attitudes a bit and be rid of the stereotypical mindsets that we have.

So what is my answer to this predicament that we seem to find ourselves in? You know, I dont know what to tell you. I know what I like to say in situations like that, rather than tell someone that I am a Christian, I like to tell them this.

I tell them that I have found something special in my life that gives me joy, hope, great happiness. "What is it" they may ask. I found someone that loves me, so much that he is willing to put his life on the line for me. I have found somebody that knows me better than I know myself and is there for me when ever I am in need of a friend. Someone who cares genuinly for everybody, even all the people that we would generally look away from, the homeless, the drug addicts, etc. he is their friend too and he is there for them and helps them if they will let them. Most of all, I have found someone to trully listen to me, not someone who is faking it and just saying "uh huh" after every sentence or two to aknowledge they are still there but is really just waiting for the moment of escape, but someone who wants nothing more in the world then to be with me and hear all of my thoughts, my struggles, my pain. Someone that when I express the pain in my heart or the hardships that i am going through, tears run down his cheeks as he sympathizes with what I am going through. And then when I am finished talking, he comes close to me, puts his arm around me and whispers to me that he loves me more than anything in this world, and that he will help me through it all, that I am never alone. I have found a love that is sweeter far above all the world can offer me, his name is Jesus.

Even as I write this i have tears in my eyes. I hope that this is the Jesus that you know. If it is not, I hope that you get to know him. I guarantee that it will change your life. It changed mine.

My Journey in learning about Contemplative Prayer

2005-10-27T01:11:00.000-04:00

Over the past few weeks I have been reading alot about contemplative prayer. I have felt intrigued by the contemplative traditions of the early church for quite some time, and I also feel that I am a bit of a contemplative myself so i am seeking to discover what this means. I have been reading a book by Thomas Merton entitled "Contemplative Prayer" (I know how fitting), and tonight while I was at work and I read this:

"Monastic prayer, especially meditation and contemplative prayer, is not so much a way to find God as a way of resting in him whom we have found, who loves us, who is near to us. Who comes to draw us to himself."

I Love the language that is used here in describing God, describing meditation as resting in God. It challenges me quite a great deal to think of taking the time to feel the grace and love that he has offered us and to enjoy the beauty of being children of God. I find it so amazing the deep devotion that these early fathers and the lessons they have to teach us about such a devoted spiritual life.

I am thankful for the Journey that God has taken me already and i hope and pray to be able to know him in a way like this to be able to aprreciate his grace and peace that he brings to us all in an even mightier way.

Im new at this

2005-10-27T00:20:00.000-04:00

I am new at this blog thing, but to leave a comment for a friend i had to create one so i thought that i would give it a shot. Im not sure about how devoted i will be to this, i have never been very good with journals, but at the same time i think that this might be fun.I hope to have something interesting to tell, I'm not sure how interesting my thoughts are, but you can be the judge of that.