most recent chapters

Its been a while since I last wrote anything, part of the reason being because I don't even know where to begin. So much has happened since last semester many good things, and some more difficult. Unfortunately because I have not the time, nor the patience to recall in complete detail all the events that have taken me from the place I was the last time I wrote to you but that's what conversation is for, and if in the next time we meet you have questions for me I am always honored, but in the meantime I am going to reflect on the most recent chapters of my life.

I think the best and only place that I could begin is with the happiest and most life changing moments that have occurred since I last wrote to you. Katie and I are now engaged. I sometimes wonder if I have even really comprehended this thought yet, that I have her for the rest of my life. There is so much that I could say about this, about my feelings, my excitement, but I don't feel that words could ever do it justice. I Love to write to you and to myself about my feelings and describe the experiences that I have had, and ever since proposing I have wanted to write pages and pages in my journal and also here preserving the memory, but everytime I have tried to begin, I stop at a loss for words. I know a crazy thought, me at a loss for words IM as shocked as you are. I think the best way to describe this experience is that I have had all my dreams come true in that moment. I have dreamed about her all my life, and she is so much better than my dreams ever were. I pray that you will all have the happiness that I have found, and for those who have attained it, that you would not let a day go by without taking a few moments to sit and think about the honor it is to have such a Love as this, that could make dreams come true, I pray that you would savor those moments, because I can guarantee that life offers nothing else that can compare to that.

Having said all of that, I would like to reflect a little on a personal struggle that I am feeling as of late. Since my Christmas break and in returning to school I felt a strange feeling that I cannot begin to understand, but can only describe it as a feeling of the absence of God. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, and must admit that it seems weird to me too but its the only explanation that I can come to. I have struggled over this quite a lot, and though I know all the common phrases quoted in situations like this telling me that God will never leave me nor forsake me, but it is entirely different thing to know that and to feel it to be true. I cried out at many times searching to find him but sensing nothing. I had a discussion with a good friend Friday night and I found that though I feel that God is not present, that in some way I am cut off from him, my desire for him is growing and becoming larger than ever before. It is here that I feel some purpose to the struggle that I am feeling. That I have always wondered whether I really need God and my suspicions have been answered. I do.

Its been a very interesting journey in these past few weeks and I am happy to have invited you in to it. The trouble is that it is not over when I would like it to be over. Now that I have realized that I have this need for God, I still have not been able to over come the struggle that I am in. I feel such a strong desire to pick up my Bible and pray, but when I go to do it, the barrier is there and God's presence is missing. I am not blaming God for this, because I know its not him, but I have to say that whenever this barrier is lifted it will be as if I am returning to see a friend that I have missed for so long, and we will have a lot of catching up to do.